This is the fourth in my series of reflections on the “c-o-s-m-o-s remedy” proposed in opposition to the “ideology of e-s-c-a-p-e” by Jem Bendell in Deep Adaptation: Navigating the Realities of Climate Chaos (UK/USA 2021).

#1: Reflections on Compassion
#2: Reflections on Openness
#3: Reflections on Serenity

In contrast to the habit of Autonomy in e-s-c-a-p-e ideology, which involves thinking and feeling ‘I must be completely separate in my mind and being, because otherwise I would not exist…,’ Bendell proposes that Mutuality involves remembering ‘as this world has produced me and societies have shaped me, I will question all my understandings and ways of relating with others’ (p.146).

Mutuality is defined as a positive, interactive relationship between two or more individuals. There’s a sense of giving and receiving in a reciprocal way. It also involves acknowledging the sameness or equality in the other person, while appreciating the difference in the other’s experience. As Bendell notes, mutuality calls us to understand the other.

In his article “The Importance of Mutuality,” American psychotherapist Dr. Jason B. Fischer notes: “To cultivate mutuality in a relationship, we have two main choices. We can either transform the way another person feels about us (by relating to them in a new way) or we can transform the way we feel about them.”

Reflecting on my relationships over the years, including my failed marriage, I have not done so well when it comes to mutuality of shared feelings and wants. Only six relationships fall into that special category. Since I have no control over the way others feel or think of me, I worked at understanding the other’s position and needs. In the past, such relationships were only successful for as long as I was willing to give freely under the terms of the individual or group.

While relationships of mutuality are not common in my life, I have found other ways to collaborate with others who share mutual interests and goals. I struggle to understand the lack of respect, anger, hate, and violence towards the “other.” I struggle to understand the beliefs and stance of those who deny mounting evidence that humanity is facing a global climate and ecological existential crises.

Is understanding the “other” enough to narrow the divide?

Over twelve years ago—during a tough time juggling our family budget, following the 2007-2008 Global Financial Crisis—an angel entered my life. Angeletta (fictitious name), a neighbor’s eighteen-month-old daughter, came running towards me across the lawn with arms outstretched like a swan in flight. Without thinking, I dropped to my knees and held her to my heart, now light as a butterfly.

From a distance, Angeletta’s mother looked on without a word. During the month that followed, my little angel remained housebound. What had I done wrong? Had I overstepped my boundaries by hugging her child? Was the white American mother racist?

Distressed, I called my white American friend for counsel. “Take it easy,” my friend told me. “Some mothers are very possessive, especially with their first child.”

With respect for her mother’s stance, I never again hugged my darling Angeletta. From behind their closed grill door, she would call out to me by name every time she saw me. Over time, with mutual understanding and shared interests, her mother and I became friends. Angeletta became my gardening companion. I was saddened when they moved out-of-state.